Sunday, February 21, 2010

Today i felt my mortality

In 51 minutes I'm going to be 31.
That's sort of sobering to say. It really doesn't mean anything, and in a way it sort of does.

Here's the thing, I don't ever think about mortality, and I mean never. I don't harp on death, don't engage in the great debate of who's right in the war of religions. I frankly don't give a shit who takes the trophy because I'm more than happy to continue living my life as it is. I'm a lucky man. I've been blessed many thousand times over. I have great friends, a girlfriend that will love me till the end of my days, a place to call home, and an awesome basset hound. What more could anyone ask for?

Some people might say, "money, fame, or power", but not me. Sure I'd love to win the lottery, but not so much for the endless riches than just to have the freedom from worry. I don't want to own my own private island, but it would be nice not to have think about where the money for the DWP bill is going to come from. That's a common goal though. I'm sure a lot of people dream of just being freed from their burdens.

45 minutes.

I should get back to mortality, because that's sort of the topic here. As I said before, I rarely think about mortality. Maybe it's because I don't rock climb, take drugs, or share needles with really sickly looking individuals, but for me there's just not too many reasons to stare into the void.

42 minutes.

I guess turning 31 has got me thinking a bit. I'm wondering how many more of these years I have left. Let's face it, I'm not in very good health. Sure my girlfriend and I are working on turning a new leaf and all (and quite frankly, I feel it is seriously working), but when all is said and done- I am a big guy with lots of bad habits. I rarely smoke, which is nice considering when I worked at Hustler I was up to 1/2 a pack a day. I don't drink very often aside from those occasions when I get older. I drive relatively cautiously. I'm calm and relaxed more often than not. All of those things combined can't combat fat though. Obesity is the number one killer and it's something that I have to deal with.

So how many more birthdays do I get to look forward to? 39? 49? Shit, if I were a betting man I'd have called it at 80 and that's if I'm REALLY lucky.

36 minutes.

-But what does that even mean? So what if my time is limited. My life won't change for anything but the better. That just so happens to be the road I walk, and I goddamn I love it. Like I said before, I've been blessed. Nothing has ever been perfect. I've been hurt many many times. Have fallen on plenty of rough times, but at the end, if nothing else, my mother taught me how to persevere. That's who I am, who I will be.

This blog has been a bunch of bullshit and a waste of time- but at least it wasn't depressing.

31 minutes.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Beginning of the Road

I've done this a thousand times before. The well worn road of the "New Year- New plan for making it work this time" is something I'm very familiar with. This is what I do, and what I've done since I was 11 really. Every year I start out owning what I am, accepting me for just who I am, and trying my damnedest to change the poor habits I've developed over these many years.

Needless to say, most efforts have proven quite futile. Trouble is the life I've led is an easy one. It's really easy to just stop by any roadside takeout place and order up whatever specialty they offer. Pay for your meal, head home, and enjoy. 1, 2, 3. Easy as pie. There's nothing to it. Who wouldn't want to enjoy a little bit of something that tastes good and do so while drinking a nice ice cold glass of beer while watching the fight? Who doesn't have that dream for chrissakes?

Yeah, it's an easy life. It's a fun life. Quite frankly, it's a life I really don't want to stop leading. Yet here I am about to make the same change I've made a thousand times before, and I'm actually positive about the results. That's not to say i wasn't positive before, but this time there's something else to it. I'm not just positive I can make this work, I'm also realistic about the results.

I'm not trying to make some crazy go at it. I'm not starving myself, not depriving myself of the things I want, not being unrealistic about what I can eat and what I will eat. I'm doing this, hopefully, the right way this time. 

I'm trying to understand the right foods I should eat. I'm measuring out my foods into correct portions. Best part of all, I'm eating things that taste good! This isn't an infomercial about some product you won't use in a week. This is me saying I like nectarines and eating them makes me happy.

The solutions are simple. Control your foods better and you'll do better. That's a bit more difficult that you might imagine when you don't have a kitchen of your own. You end up making really bad decisions out of convenience. Now, my situation is different. I have my own kitchen and thankfully, I also like to cook. Last night I had one of the best vegetable soups I've ever eaten and I made it! There was no crap in it. No pesticides, no artificial colors or sweeteners, no bullshit. It just had vegetables, seasonings, and lots of goodness.

It tasted good and, best of all, I was full. You can't ask for more than that.

Right now, I'm just happy. I think I might have a solution. Now let's see how it plays out.

Starting Weight: 390+
Currently: 349.2

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Day 1 begins on Day 38

[Sweats: The crutch of fatties]

Let's just say that it got bad. Three years of Chana and I doing little in the way of living in a controlled manner led us to both gain weight. It never helps that I'm, even at my smallest, usually too big to be accurately weighed on a normal scale. 

So you put a couple of things together: 
a) We were living in a small apartment with no kitchen and a fridge just big enough to hold snacks and such
b) We are in love and part of that is going out and having fun with little thought to consequence
c) We both love food and are not the biggest fans of exercise
...and you've got a recipe for just this sort of thing,

I wish I had better self control. I wish it wasn't so easy for me to pack on the weight. I wish a lot of this was just shit I didn't have to deal with. Some people get away with having great metabolisms. Why not me? But that's neither here nor there. Truth is, I'm lazy, I like to eat, and pizza tastes good.

So yeah, it's an ongoing struggle.

So where does that leave us today? Well about a month ago, I was that guy in the picture above. I couldn't comfortably wear any of my jeans anymore. I was living in sweat pants and I was eating whatever the hell I wanted to. Also, I was over 390 lbs.

[Jesus. How did it get to that?]

Now I don't claim to ever be the smallest guy in the world. Hell, a healthy weight for me is 300 or even 280. I'm not small and was never meant to be so, but I shouldn't be this big.

So what's the solution? Well, it's simple. We have our own home now, our own kitchen, and it's time we utilize them for the betterment of our existences. It's time to start living healthier, eating right, hell even exercising.

Step 1. The Sprint

Master Cleanse to get things off on the right foot, and that's precisely where we are today. I've been cleansing for 38 days now and have lost a great 40 lbs. It's not something I like talking about, because frankly I feel like an asshole, like a failure for gaining so much of it in the first place. I mean, fuck, this isn't the first time I've had to drastically change the way I live because shit got away from me. So the last thing I need to do is to start taking credit for fucking up and trying to fix it.

Maybe when this is over, maybe when John's wedding is behind us, maybe after we're living the life we're supposed to, maybe then I'll feel proud. For now, I've got a long road ahead.

[It's a start. And yes, I'm wearing jeans again.]