Sunday, February 21, 2010

Today i felt my mortality

In 51 minutes I'm going to be 31.
That's sort of sobering to say. It really doesn't mean anything, and in a way it sort of does.

Here's the thing, I don't ever think about mortality, and I mean never. I don't harp on death, don't engage in the great debate of who's right in the war of religions. I frankly don't give a shit who takes the trophy because I'm more than happy to continue living my life as it is. I'm a lucky man. I've been blessed many thousand times over. I have great friends, a girlfriend that will love me till the end of my days, a place to call home, and an awesome basset hound. What more could anyone ask for?

Some people might say, "money, fame, or power", but not me. Sure I'd love to win the lottery, but not so much for the endless riches than just to have the freedom from worry. I don't want to own my own private island, but it would be nice not to have think about where the money for the DWP bill is going to come from. That's a common goal though. I'm sure a lot of people dream of just being freed from their burdens.

45 minutes.

I should get back to mortality, because that's sort of the topic here. As I said before, I rarely think about mortality. Maybe it's because I don't rock climb, take drugs, or share needles with really sickly looking individuals, but for me there's just not too many reasons to stare into the void.

42 minutes.

I guess turning 31 has got me thinking a bit. I'm wondering how many more of these years I have left. Let's face it, I'm not in very good health. Sure my girlfriend and I are working on turning a new leaf and all (and quite frankly, I feel it is seriously working), but when all is said and done- I am a big guy with lots of bad habits. I rarely smoke, which is nice considering when I worked at Hustler I was up to 1/2 a pack a day. I don't drink very often aside from those occasions when I get older. I drive relatively cautiously. I'm calm and relaxed more often than not. All of those things combined can't combat fat though. Obesity is the number one killer and it's something that I have to deal with.

So how many more birthdays do I get to look forward to? 39? 49? Shit, if I were a betting man I'd have called it at 80 and that's if I'm REALLY lucky.

36 minutes.

-But what does that even mean? So what if my time is limited. My life won't change for anything but the better. That just so happens to be the road I walk, and I goddamn I love it. Like I said before, I've been blessed. Nothing has ever been perfect. I've been hurt many many times. Have fallen on plenty of rough times, but at the end, if nothing else, my mother taught me how to persevere. That's who I am, who I will be.

This blog has been a bunch of bullshit and a waste of time- but at least it wasn't depressing.

31 minutes.

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